Little Earthquakes

I have just recently become a Jennifer Weiner fan. A friend recommended Little Earthquakes to me more than a month ago, and I'm actually regretting that I never got around to reading it sooner.

The book centers around four new mothers, all of whom must learn to adjust their lives and their marriages to deal with the challenges of raising children. If you are already a mother, or seriously contemplating to be one, or trying to cope with the loss of a child, try reading this book. I think we will somehow learn a lot from, if not relate with, their situations. And, all this while enjoying Weiner's witty and colorful storytelling :)

Angels

It was one ordinary day in January 2003 when the cramps started. It was my first pregnancy and although I had a dearth of experience on maternity matters, my instincts were screaming madly. I laid on our bed, with my feet up as advised, but my eyes were drowning in tears. I knew for sure, even before the bleeding started, that I was losing my baby.

I can pinpoint exactly when I knew I got pregnant. Two weeks after our wedding I knew there was something different about my body. There was a tingling glow in my very being and it grew even more wonderful after four or more green mangoes. Two small blue lines on a tester changed my life. My husband would not allow me to do household chores, my parents would call me everyday like I was due for delivery anytime, and my friends would give me baby books and stuff enough to educate a whole nursery school. I was full of love, inside and out.

One week more and we would have heard a heartbeat. Instead, I was looking at my empty uterus, the ultrasound machine had never seemed more offensive. When prodded by my husband, the technician could only run out of the room, not wanting to be the bearer of the sad news. But it didn't matter, really. I knew I was empty.

I sank into a depression, deeper than I have ever been before. A mother is not supposed to mourn her child, she is supposed to take care of her, nurture her, and see her bloom into a beautiful child ready to run happily into the world. The remorse was killing me, my guilt extreme.

In God's infinite wisdom, he gave me a special gift before I could even begin to question His plan for me. He gave me the gift of grace. I understood that I had the best partner in the world. My husband's strength carried me through the ordeal, never wavering in his love and devotion. I understood that I had the best family, who cried with me in my hour of darkness, but lifted me up when it was time to rise. And I understood that I had an angel, looking after me, whispering to me to go on and live my life, thanking me for the love I have given her in the six short weeks she was in my life. God showed me that in order to be a good mother, I needed to continue to love despite the pain.

My daughter, Ninna, is 15 months old now. She's a joy to be around, the new miracle in our lives. We endured/enjoyed six whole months of quiet conversations strictly in bed when she was still in my new and improved tummy. We endured close calls, dozens of medications, even a military mutiny, and it seemed every day that she remained in my tummy was a day to be thankful for. Beautiful, precious, and free, Ninna was born into the world in November 2003.

This was my day of the great miracle - the day when the scar on my belly, from which Ninna emerged, has completely healed the scar in my heart, from which my angel has flown. As I laid on our bed, with my arms around my daughter, my eyes drown in tears. This time, I am happy. My other child's arms will always be around me.

Fooling Myself No More

I can not kid myself anymore. I WANT TO GET PREGNANT.

I used to tell myself that God will give me a baby at the right time, when we're ready. I used to make myself think that I still have a lot of dreams to fulfill, goals to achieve. But I can not fool myself any longer. I want a little angel and my heart bleeds at the thought that creeps into my mind most of the time.

Two years ago, I consulted an OB-GYN because I did not have my period for two months. An ultrasound showed a small solid nodule measuring 1.0 cm. It was seen in the anterior wall of my retroverted uterus. Plus, the OB-GYN said that I might be experienceing hormonal imbalance. At that time, I was busy planning for the wedding that her words did not really sink in. Work and wedding planning took most of my time for the next two years and I haven't been back to her clinic. I know I should have and regretted not doing so. Now, staring at the ultrasound of my 1.0 nodule, I am afraid. So many "what-if's" run in my mind and I shed a tear at the thought of not being able to bear any child. I have a lot of factors that would make it hard for me to conceive, my retroverted unterus, the nodule and my hormonal imbalance. In the two years that passed, who knows what else I've got. God, hear my prayers please.

I know that all is not lost. I just need to go to an OB-GYN again and find out possible treatments, but until then, I must bear the pain that tears through me whenever I see a baby or a pregnant woman. The envy that breaks my heart and the frustration of seeing a negative result on a pregnancy test each month.

I am pathetic.

Our Kulit Angel

Jeg is already 7 months and time flies so fast... He's starting to sit and walk.. oh well, of course with his yaya holding him. He's been very makulit these past few weeks.. like when i bite him he will make "ganti"...So sad coz he's no longer a baby... he looks like a little boy already.. =( though he still smells like a baby....

Having Jeg in our life was really a blessing. He completes us (songs and i). He is our complete happiness. Thank God he gave him to us. And God knows when is the right time to have an angel.

The Greatest Miracle

Welcome to The Great Miracle. Share your thoughts and feelings about:

1. Wanting to get pregnant
2. Being pregnant
3. Have a child/ren? Share their antics and their milestones!

Pictures are also very nice additions to your posts!

Let's all start sharing this Great Miracle!